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Topiara - Chapter 18
The combination of soft snoring and light from the dingy window roused Lyara into a half-waking, half-asleep state where she remained for several long moments. She was warm as she had not been for many days, holding something warm and soft and moving gently to her chest. For a short time, she toyed with the idea of going back to sleep, but then opened her eyes reluc tantly.
Jilan had turned his back to her in the night, and she had thrown her arm over him and snuggled up to his back in an effort to stay warm. The realization shocked her awake and made the memories of the previous night wash over her. In a flash she relived the attack and its resolution, and with a rush of embarrassment she realized she must have fallen asleep in Jilan's arms without intending to.
With a snort, Jilan turned in his sleep until he once again faced her. Like Lyara, the light that was now streaming in the dirty and opaque window was rousing him. He slowly opened his eyes to find himself staring into ebony pools and was immediately wide-awake. Lyara's arm remained for one long moment across his chest. Then, astonished at her own boldness, she removed it. But she did not immediately move away from him.
"Are you angry?" He had to know now. Had his impetuous action of sleeping next to her offended.
"No, of course not. I was the one who fell asleep first, not you." Lyara found the intimacy of the moment making her heart beat faster. This was the last thing she had expected to have happen between them, and her own reaction to his closeness and the intimacy of the moment was only deepening her confusion.
"I didn't want to leave you." Jilan said, confessing the truth of his motives. He stifled with difficulty the temptation to reach out and move one of the errant strands of black hair that streamed over one of Lyara's eyes. "I'm afraid I'm starting to become more attached to you than..." He finally gave into his impulse and brushed the strand aside, touching her forehead only very softly.
Lyara waited for herself to react in the usual way to any physical contact with a man and was confused at the lack of reaction, but still she flinched away from the touch, more from habit. "I..." she began, "You can't... I..."
Jilan cocked his head at her reaction and removed his hand. "What is it, Lyara? Why won't you let me touch you without acting like...like I was burning you?" He gently and deliberately cupped her cheek in his palm. "Let me help you."
Emotions warred with each other within her, and Lyara stiffened at the newest touch. Deep feelings of shame washed over her that she had no wish to examine or allow Jilan to see. As much as she might wish it, she could not bring herself to trust him that much. A tear slipped out. "I can't. I can't tell you..."
Jilan nodded as if he understood, although he wished that did understand. "It's alright. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to." He brushed the tear aside, ignoring the flinch that was her response. "Just don't ask me to go back to being just a client and Guide, or even just friends." He cupped her cheek once more. "You never know. We may one day actually be ..."
"No." Lyara shivered violently and moved back away from him, Like a gate forced open and suddenly freed to close, the walls she had erected about her emotions sprang painfully back into place. Jilan drew back too, startled at the sudden change in her. "Don't say it. We were tired. Nothing happened. Let's not say anything that we may regret later on." Jilan's eyes widened in pain at her words. Lyara felt her heart con strict, despite her relief at having moved away from him and his gentle and confusing touch. In one way, she regretted her hasty words; but somehow she could not force herself to move closer to him again and try to regain the moment. Still, his expression hurt. "Don't look at me that way."
Without a word, he rolled away from her and stood. Some thing had happened, a wall had closed him away from a vastly different person. The sudden loss was painful and made him angry. "You're right. We were tired -- I was tired. Nothing happened. Just two companions sharing warmth." He looked at her bitterly. "I asked you not to ask me to go back to what we were to each other before."
Lyara rolled over and stood up on her side of the bed. Turning her back on Jilan even for a few moments gave her a chance to regain some composure. "I can't give you more than that right now, Jilan. Perhaps, I think, it is for the best that we leave it at that." For the briefest of moments, she was tempted to reach out to Jilan and remove the betrayed expression from his eyes.
He dropped his gaze to the floor and then moved around the bed and past her to the window. "I think we had better buy the supplies we need and decide if we are going to stay here and wait out the storm or move on." There was an unaccustomed harshness in his voice that pulled at her more than ever.
"We were going to wait out the storm, weren't we?" Lyara asked, confused. "That was why we stopped here, wasn't it."
"That was before last night. I was thinking that perhaps you would prefer to move on after all and try to get to Lishing before the storm struck there." He bunched his shoulders as if avoiding blows.
"Jilan." Lyara moved to stand across the window from him. "Neither you nor I want to get into the saddle again for many days, remember? And just because there was trouble last night doesn't mean that we are going to have every man in the village unhappy with us because some of their fellows got drunk and tried to rob us." She smiled wanly at him. "Relax. We will buy our provisions and see to the ponies and stay warm and dry and comfortable until the storm passes and it is safe to travel again."
"If that is what you want, Lyara."
She looked at him, staring out the window and unwilling to look back at her. "Look at me, Jilan." She waited, and finally he turned snapping, angry eyes in her direction briefly before looking down again. "We have to go on from here. Why can't we return to being friends? Must we turn this into an argument?"
Jilan looked up, and there was anger in his voice as well as the pain. "Do I have a choice?"
"Yes," Lyara answered quietly, "but not if you want to continue traveling with me after Tandri, like we were talking about."
"Then I'll leave you to get dressed, so we can start taking care of business this morning and get ready to move on."
Jilan didn't look at Lyara again as he stalked from the room. On her breast, Topiara warmed and asked a quiet question in the back of her mind. Lyara clasped the stone in her left hand to gather the warmth. "I don't know, Topiara. Perhaps I just made the biggest mistake of my life."
With the storm raging outside and the ponies safely sheltered in the inn's stables, there was little for the two weary travelers to do but rest and wait. Lyara took advantage of an offer from the innkeeper's wife and spent the better part of an afternoon soaking the grime and dirt from her body in a tub.
Jilan took his turn in the tub as well, but he had little to say to Lyara, even at mealtimes. He rarely even looked at her, but then only with sadness and coldness. Lyara despaired of ever resuming a friendly relationship with him and eventually even wished she had not been so hasty in putting a stop to an uncomfortable turn in their relationship. She missed his warmth and companionship deeply. He was more than just a friend; why could she not let him be more?
It was the second night of the storm when another pair of travelers stomped through the inn doors and pushed over to the hearth to warm themselves at the fire. Lyara glanced up from her stew, intending to resume eating. But the shape and ges tures of one of the cloaked newcomers was familiar. With a glance at Jilan, who was still pointedly ignoring her, she rose and approached the strangers.
"Excuse me," she said to get the attention of one of the strangers, and then she broke into a wide smile. "Iliria!! What in the name of all the gods are you doing here?!"
"Lyara!" The two young women clasped each other in a quick hug. "Imagine finding you here! You remember Dorin? I'm monitoring him on his first assignment for a client. Can you imagine that?"
"Come, join us," Lyara invited, and dragged her friend to the table where Jilan was watching the proceedings with vague interest. "Jilan, this is Iliria, my former roommate and best friend from Master Lyndon's hall. And Dorin, another Guide. And this is Jilan."
Jilan rose to give polite greeting to Lyara's friends, and then gaped as Iliria threw back the hood of her cloak to reveal her shining blonde tresses, the badge of Talandri nobility. "I am most honored to meat you, Lady," he stated formally.
Lyara stared, having never seen Jilan behave in the formal manner of aristocrat upbringing, and Iliria bumped her friend companionably. "Quite a friend, Lyara," she whispered in admi ration. "Is this your client?"
"Not exactly," Lyara admitted, struck by the instant attraction Iliria and Jilan seemed to feel for each other. The two aristocrats stared at each other as if they could not imag ine finding the other in such surroundings. The attraction between her two friends caused a quick tightness in her chest, and Topiara whispered in the back of her mind, making the discomfort even worse.
"Oh," Iliria remembered suddenly. "I almost forgot. Not long after you left, Master Lyndon received a visit from the Palace -- from the estate of Nilyaron. At a general meeting of all the Guides, we were told that if any of us ever met up with you again, to tell you that there is a letter from the Oracle waiting for you in Master Lyndon's office."
"The Oracle?" Lyara blinked in surprise, roused from her conflicting thoughts. Across the table, Jilan glanced at her with raised eyebrows.
"No hunches about that, Lyara?" he asked blandly, making Lyara glance at him more closely to see if he was being nasty on purpose.
"What?" Iliria looked between the two of them in confu sion, wondering what was behind the strange looks that were exchanged.
"Forget it, Iliria, Dorin. Come on," Lyara gestured again for the two Guides to be seated and then waved to summon the innkeeper. "The stew is hot and tasty, and the beds are soft and comfortable. Just the thing after traveling in a storm like this."
Iliria and Lyara chatted casually over their meal about all the events that had happened to each of them since Lyara had left the hall, eventually drawing in Dorin. Jilan listened halfheartedly and looked back and forth between Lyara and Iliria. Never was there a greater contrast between two women, with Lyara's olive complexion and raven hair next to the creamy skin and golden tresses of her friend.
"So," Iliria asked finally, after Lyara had related the events of the trek to the Kauwlut lands, "are you going to return to the Hall and take on more clients, or are you going to go your own direction?"
Lyara looked at Jilan and spoke as much to him as to answer Iliria's question. "I'll be stopping at the Hall to find out just what this message from the Oracle is about, and then I'll be moving on." She glanced at her friend. "I need to see to it that Jilan gets safely back to Tandri to fulfill the terms of our contract."
Jilan's brows knit together, and he bent suddenly to finish his stew quickly, then pushed his chair back and left the group without another word. Iliria watched his actions with raised eyebrows, and then turned to her friend. "I thought he was just a client." Her eyes followed the young man as he stomped up the stairs. "There's something else going on here."
"It's a long story," Lyara sighed. "I only understand a part of it anyway." She only wanted to understand part of it, her mind corrected silently.
"Well," Iliria commented firmly, "at least tell me if I have any reason to steer clear or no. I'd not want to cause problems if you . . ."
"There's nothing between us, if that is what you want to know," Lyara snapped, angry at her own reaction to the question. The sharp tone in which she answered made Iliria wonder if that was truly the case.
"Don't be angry."
"I'm not." Lyara hugged her friend. "It has been hard for me to relax since we came here. I told you about the robbery attempt. I've been a bit on edge ever since." She got to her feet. "I'm going to go upstairs and rest for a while. The innkeeper has reasonable rates, so talk to him about the rooms. I'll see you this evening."
Leaving both Iliria and Dorin looking slightly surprised at the sudden exit, Lyara turned and mounted the stairs. She paused for a moment outside Jilan's door, and then knocked softly. "Jilan?"
"Go away."
She opened the door and slipped in, closing the door behind her. "Jilan. We have to talk."
"There's nothing to talk about, is there?" He glared at her, rose from where he had sprawled across the bed and turned his back on her. "I've gone back to simply being a client. What do we have to say to each other besides just that?"
"Don't close me out, Jilan," Lyara said quietly, taking a tentative step toward him.
Jilan whirled, his face pale but cheeks flaming. "You can close me out, and whomever else you wish out; but may all the gods of the land take note that nobody closes YOU out." He turned his back on her once more. "You closed yourself out, Lyara."
The truth of his words stung. "I can't travel anywhere with you if you are going to stay in this kind of mood. I don't want to have to worry about whether you will go and do something stupid just to prove a point and get either yourself or me hurt of killed." Lyara's frustration broke loose, and her tone of voice grew sharp and cold. "So you are going to have to choose, Jilan. Either you travel with me as a friend and companion, or I can take you back to your university and you can find a nice aristocratic girl to take to wife. Maybe Iliria," Lyara sug gested bluntly, making Jilan look at her appraisingly with a flush starting at his neck.
"I saw how you two looked at each other, Jilan. It wasn't hard to see what was happening." Lyara stopped, clenching her hands into fists at her side to keep them from shaking and betraying the difficulty she was having to Jilan. "She is a good person, Jilan, and a good friend. You could do much worse."
"If all we are supposed to be is friends and traveling companions, why shouldn't I be able to look at another woman without making you angry?" Jilan snapped. "And as for my mood, I can be as light and shallow as you want, Lyara. You don't seem to want anything more than that from me. How dare you be jealous of Iliria, just because we look at each other frankly."
Lyara opened and closed her mouth, unable to respond to the bitterness in Jilan's tone and unable to deny the charge of jealousy. She whirled, panicked, to run from the room, then gained back a bit of self-composure and paused at the door.
Without turning back to him, she said softly, "You have no idea what I want, Jilan, and I resent your thinking that you do. The problem is that what I want and what I have to do have nothing to do with each other. And what I have to do is going to have to be done first, before I can even think about what I want, from you or even myself." Jilan turned, hearing honesty and having to accept it. Lyara looked back at him wistfully. "If you can accept those conditions, like I do, then I would be glad to have you along with me -- even after Tandri. Otherwise, I don't..." She opened the door and left Jilan staring at where she had gone.
He rubbed his hand roughly across his face and then swore softly. Nothing had been resolved or accomplished.
By the afternoon of the third day, the storm was abating enough for Lyara to consider leaving Korlin the next morning. Iliria and Dorin, as was their habit, joined Jilan and Lyara for the evening meal when the subject was raised.
"Are you on your way back to Tandri then too?" Jilan asked Dorin.
"Eventually. We have yet to finish the assignment." Dorin was excited at the prospect of finally being able to continue on.
"What was your assignment, anyway?" Jilan was curious, and feeling talkative for the first time in days.
"We guided the lord of the hall to the north to his hall, and we have to go over to Lishing to deliver a message there to the alcalde there." Iliria answered, with Dorin nodding.
"Seems a relative of the lord of that hall took it into his head to go after a cousin that was taken by the Kauwluts in a raid. The lord decided that it might not be a bad idea to open the hall and wait in case the cousin is rescued and the two stop on their way back." Dorin stated the case simply, without thinking anything of it.
"There was quite a to-do in Tandri when this young man disappeared," Iliria continued with a sideways smile. "Evidently the fellow had been forbidden to do anything, and went against his father's wishes. But when word got around what was going on, the father had to explain to many of his peer why he had been so against the idea. If the cousin is ever returned, the rescuer is sure to be considered a hero."
Lyara watched Jilan's reaction carefully. He had flushed at first, and now was quite pale. "There was no rescue," he stated quietly. Neither Iliria nor Dorin looked surprised that he would know anything about it. "So what does that mean?"
Iliria blinked, and Dorin scratched his head. "I don't know. I suppose it will depend on the tale told when all is known."
Jilan turned to Lyara, feeling once more betrayed. "You knew this?"
"Iliria told me," she admitted. "I was going to tell you before we left, so you could make some kind of decision before we got back to Tandri."
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" He allowed his tone to turn slightly peevish.
Lyara glanced at the other two Guides, who were listening to the exchange with interest. She was uncomfotable at airing their disagreement even slightly in fron of others, but could see no way around it. "We were having some trouble communicat ing, if you remember." Jilan's mouth tightened, and he was forced to nod. She shrugged. "Would it have made any differ ence?
"Maybe." He looked at Iliria for comfirmation. "Did Lyara tell you what we were doing here?"
"Yes," the clear, blue eyes did not waver, "most of it."
"What would you do in my place?"
Iliria shook her head. "I can't answer you, Jilan. My way of escaping my family was to join the Guides." She looked at Lyara and then back. "I suppose it depends if you want to go back to your family or not."
"One way or the other, I'm leaving for Tandri in the morning." Lyara was firm. "I have a message waiting for my at Master Lyndon's hall. I can decide where I'm going after that later." She looked at Jilan. "We've come this far together, we might as well finish what we started. It's a long ride to Tandri when you ride alone. If you decide to come with me, have Fleetwind ready to go at dawn."
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